Stop Blaming Your Husband for Unmet Needs
Have you ever just lost it on your husband? I’m talking word-vomit, emotions flying, hysterically crying, psycho-crazy-girl melt down status. The kind where you’ve mulled over some marital issues in your head for days, bottling your emotions up until your sanity just explodes—all over your man. Words start flying about things he isn’t doing, ways you aren’t fulfilled, how he could be better, and by the end of your psycho-crazy-girl meltdown, you feel like a total tool.
These emotional explosions tend to arise when we feel insecure about ourselves, when a wound is opened up from our past or when we just plain don’t feel like enough for our husbands, ourselves or anybody. Sometimes, the easiest person to blame for these feelings is our husband.
Needless to say, we all fall prey to speaking from a place of wound up emotion and angst over things that have little to do with our husbands and a lot to do with something deep within our hearts. Often times, we take our needs to the wrong place believing our husbands are able and responsible to fill a void they were never intended to. How do we decipher which needs are actually legitimate “marital” needs and which come straight out of a void in our own heart? What if the needs we’ve been expecting our husbands to meet speak more to our own shortsightedness of God’s satisfaction rather than our husband’s shortcomings?
Deep within the heart of every woman lies a dark, gaping abyss. Inside this void, you can hear echoes of past hurts, insecurities, shortcomings, regrets and failures. The longer this void remains empty, the louder those voices get and the more demands it makes for something to satisfy those hurts. Like hunger pangs signal a mind to eat, the void writhes and aches until something fills it. When the void starts to make demands and messes with our emotions, we get kind of desperate trying to get those voices to be quiet. So, we try food, friends, people’s approval, TV shows, Facebook, and especially affirmation from our husbands.
As we look to our husbands for satisfaction, we realize—it works! For a little bit. Shortly after, the void gets louder and stronger, wider and deeper, making more demands for something to fill it. Out of confusion, hurt, frustration and unhappiness, we turn to the person we think is responsible for creating this discomfort: our husbands. Out of our mouths come phrases like:
“You don’t make me feel like I’m enough!”
“I don’t feel pretty anymore!”
“I’m not happy!”
“You are not doing enough!”
“We’re not happy like they are!”
The list goes on and on. We spew hurtful words and phrases that do not come from a place of truth, but actually from a void in our own heart. We place the blame on a mere man who has no power to actually satisfy those deep hurts and needs. Soon enough, we start to sound just like that empty void–desperate for something tangible to satisfy us.
Learning to Identify Our Needs
Hear me out: there are such things as legitimate marital needs. There are discussions that need to take place between husbands and wives about things they can do better to make marriage more exciting, fulfilling, life giving, exc. However, we also have void needs, which we often mistake for marital needs. Void needs are ultimately rooted in our own identity issues, insecurities and gaps in our belief systems. When we take a void need and try to make it a marital need, we end up frustrating our husbands and ourselves because there is no way for him to fix it. It’s simply a heart issue.
In the midst of raw emotion and hurt, before you go to your husband with a list of ways he isn’t cutting it, ask yourself, “Is this a legitimate marital need or a void need? Am I about to speak from a void? Am I about to place accusations on my husband for issues that are actually rooted in my own heart?”
Bring the Lord into this process with you. He’ll show you. Oh boy, will he show you. Just like David, tell the Lord: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” (Psalm 139: 23) He is so faithful.
Come to the Healer
The reality is, the Lord wants us to bring our needs before Him so He can heal and satisfy them, making us whole again. He is the only one who can fill a void with the immovable truth of His word.
Before starting a potentially damaging conversation, visit with the Healer and Ultimate satisfier of your needs. He is so faithful to show you the avenue to take care of your deep need.
“And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”
Do you have a #Wifehack that has changed your marriage? Please share it in the comments! Your comment each week is also your entry into the giveaway that will take place at the end of this series. You can find more about the giveaway here!
What’s your #Wifehack?