Stop Blaming Your Husband for Unmet Needs

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stop-blaming-husband-unmet-needs

Have you ever just lost it on your husband? I’m talking word-vomit, emotions flying, hysterically crying, psycho-crazy-girl melt down status. The kind where you’ve mulled over some marital issues in your head for days, bottling your emotions up until your sanity just explodes—all over your man. Words start flying about things he isn’t doing, ways you aren’t fulfilled, how he could be better, and by the end of your psycho-crazy-girl meltdown, you feel like a total tool.

These emotional explosions tend to arise when we feel insecure about ourselves, when a wound is opened up from our past or when we just plain don’t feel like enough for our husbands, ourselves or anybody. Sometimes, the easiest person to blame for these feelings is our husband.

Needless to say, we all fall prey to speaking from a place of wound up emotion and angst over things that have little to do with our husbands and a lot to do with something deep within our hearts. Often times, we take our needs to the wrong place believing our husbands are able and responsible to fill a void they were never intended to. How do we decipher which needs are actually legitimate “marital” needs and which come straight out of a void in our own heart? What if the needs we’ve been expecting our husbands to meet speak more to our own shortsightedness of God’s satisfaction rather than our husband’s shortcomings?

The Void

Deep within the heart of every woman lies a dark, gaping abyss. Inside this void, you can hear echoes of past hurts, insecurities, shortcomings, regrets and failures. The longer this void remains empty, the louder those voices get and the more demands it makes for something to satisfy those hurts. Like hunger pangs signal a mind to eat, the void writhes and aches until something fills it. When the void starts to make demands and messes with our emotions, we get kind of desperate trying to get those voices to be quiet. So, we try food, friends, people’s approval, TV shows, Facebook, and especially affirmation from our husbands.

As we look to our husbands for satisfaction, we realize—it works! For a little bit. Shortly after, the void gets louder and stronger, wider and deeper, making more demands for something to fill it. Out of confusion, hurt, frustration and unhappiness, we turn to the person we think is responsible for creating this discomfort: our husbands. Out of our mouths come phrases like:

You don’t make me feel like I’m enough!”
“I don’t feel pretty anymore!”
“I’m not happy!”
“You are not doing enough!”
“We’re not happy like they are!”

The list goes on and on. We spew hurtful words and phrases that do not come from a place of truth, but actually from a void in our own heart. We place the blame on a mere man who has no power to actually satisfy those deep hurts and needs. Soon enough, we start to sound just like that empty void–desperate for something tangible to satisfy us.

 

Learning to Identify Our Needs

Hear me out: there are such things as legitimate marital needs. There are discussions that need to take place between husbands and wives about things they can do better to make marriage more exciting, fulfilling, life giving, exc. However, we also have void needs, which we often mistake for marital needs. Void needs are ultimately rooted in our own identity issues, insecurities and gaps in our belief systems.   When we take a void need and try to make it a marital need, we end up frustrating our husbands and ourselves because there is no way for him to fix it. It’s simply a heart issue.

In the midst of raw emotion and hurt, before you go to your husband with a list of ways he isn’t cutting it, ask yourself, “Is this a legitimate marital need or a void need? Am I about to speak from a void? Am I about to place accusations on my husband for issues that are actually rooted in my own heart?”
Bring the Lord into this process with you. He’ll show you. Oh boy, will he show you. Just like David, tell the Lord: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” (Psalm 139: 23) He is so faithful.

Come to the Healer

The reality is, the Lord wants us to bring our needs before Him so He can heal and satisfy them, making us whole again. He is the only one who can fill a void with the immovable truth of His word.

Before starting a potentially damaging conversation, visit with the Healer and Ultimate satisfier of your needs. He is so faithful to show you the avenue to take care of your deep need.

“And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”
Isaiah 58:11

#wifehacks wanted!

Do you have a #Wifehack that has changed your marriage? Please share it in the comments! Your comment each week is also your entry into the giveaway that will take place at the end of this series. You can find more about the giveaway here!

What’s your #Wifehack?

 

39 Comments

  1. Tammy Dunlap

    I am going to send you a picture (facebook private messenger I hope) of my wifehack. Bravo for you being an encouragement to wives! I love that your article encourages self examination and brings readers back to scripture.
    You addressed a very

    04 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Tammy,
      I’m so excited to see it! Thank you so much for your encouragement. We sure do all need each other!! Bless you friend!

      04 . Jun . 2017
  2. Tammy Dunlap

    relevant topic! Bless you sweet sister in Christ. (Did not intend to split my comment/accident)

    http://grandmamarymartha.blogspot.com

    04 . Jun . 2017
  3. HeavenlyTreasure

    My wife hack is apologizing and hugging him as soon as I can and giving him space. ❤️️❤️️

    04 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      I love it!! Hugs are the best!

      04 . Jun . 2017
  4. Marsha Apsley

    My computer just happens to be where my husband comes in the door, so I’m often working with my back to the door. I can hear him pull up, so recently I have started turning around to face him and greet him when he comes in the door. I need him to know that saying hello is more important than a post I’m working on.

    04 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Marsha,
      That’s awesome! I’m sure that means a lot to him to know that he is seen and recognized as soon as he walks in the door! Thank you for sharing!

      05 . Jun . 2017
  5. Amanda Privett

    Rough lesson for me to learn… I am not my husband’s Holy Spirit. It’s my job to love & serve him and cheer him on, not continually remind him of all the ways he isn’t leading the way I think he should be. God is patient and gracious with my husband so I need to be that way too! Love this blog post!! 🙂

    05 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Amanda,
      That is such a good one! Sometimes it’s hard to sit back and let the Holy Spirit do the convicting and changing when we could easily **just** make a suggestion.. 🙂 But God ALWAYS does a better job then we ever will. Thank you for sharing this important reminder– I love and miss you, friend!

      05 . Jun . 2017
  6. Samantha Williamson

    Among some of my friends Dustin and I are looked at as the couple who “has it all.” When me and my friends are sitting around talking sometimes the topic of “Men Issues” takes the stage. They say, “Samantha you and Dustin seem to never fight or have problems.” Dustin and I do not, let me repeat, DO NOT have it all or will ever try to convince anyone that we have it all figured out. Are you kidding? Dustin and I have our fair share of martial issues. One problem we have had to work on is I was abused. Those scars were deep and at times I would lash out but it was from a deep wound inside of me that had been locked up. Learning to love is something I have to work on. Over time I realized that one thing I feel is best for our marriage is knowing who you talk to about your martial problems. I feel like when we get around our friends we tend to share everything. I know because I have done this and I didn’t feel any better. Not to say you shouldn’t have a support system, but letting those who speak life and truth influence your life will be much better than those who are just sitting there for the gossip. I say a wife hack is talking well of your husband anytime you can. I am not saying bragging and seeming fake, (I think husbands wouldn’t mind a little bragging.) I just try to tell others of something great my husband does. I think marriage can be so hard at times but I notice that when I speak life to him or give him encouraging comments he begins to glow. (Like when I tell the kids, “Do you see your daddy? Isn’t he so handsome?”) Lol or singing his praises when he washes the dishes or does a kind gesture. This has helped my marriage tremendously.

    05 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Samantha,
      That is such a good one! It’s crazy what speaking highly of your husband does both for him AND you! Somehow by speaking highly of him among people reminds you, “This might be tough, but dang I do have a good man!” This is such a great reminder too to chose who you confide in because it really is so important! Thank you for sharing this! It’s so needed! I miss you like crazy and love you so much! Wish we could have these talks over your kitchen table at 12:00 at night!

      05 . Jun . 2017
  7. Lady Hike (@LadyHike)

    Still learning here…but I have learned to Sew what you WANT to reap. For example, If you desire for him to be more of a spiritual leader in your family, then thank the Lord for the mighty man of God he is even before he arrives (as if any of us should be judging that anyway), and tell him he is a good man, leading your family and you well. He will begin to believe this truth and both of you will be moving in your faith towards a goal, whatever that is. Not to mention how good you will feel with all these postive thoughts flooding your mind, leaving no room for satan to play. If you struggle with trust, then begin to trust him even if he has not earned it, and move in your faith towards being loyal to him with every thought. He will be delighted by your new sweet words! Whatever you want more of (n/a to voids) in your marriage, begin by planting those seeds today, and with a little time and prayer, you will soon reap the fulfillment you desire.

    …and I love all this good advice!!! Far too often women gather and the husband bashing begins. Thanks for this well to drink from!

    06 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Sam,
      These are such wise words! I think that’s so amazing.. when you don’t see it, speak it anyways! You’re so right, it not only encourages our husbands but it also fills your mind with positive and encouraging truths leaving no room for the enemy to play off of negative thoughts and bitterness. I am loving all of the advice as well! I’m learning so many things… 🙂 Thank you so much for your #WifeHack!

      06 . Jun . 2017
  8. stultsmamaof4

    Great post, Kaitlin – something we can all identify with, and sometimes it sneaks up on us before we notice what we are doing! After 18 years of marriage (gosh that makes me feel old!), my favorite wife hack is looking for progress. It’s actually my favorite life hack in general, but it’s made a big difference in our marriage. When I quit believing the enemy’s lies that we were stuck and would always be stuck, when I learned to recognize progress in our marriage and in my husband, I felt encouraged rather than discouraged. It brought me to a place of great hope! 🙂
    Jen @ Being Confident of This

    07 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Jen,
      Eighteen years! Wow! That’s something to be proud of! How sweet 🙂 I absolutely love your #wifehack. There’s nothing like believing the lie that you’re in the same place you’ve always been and you’re not getting anywhere. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. That is certainly something to make sure to remind ourselves when we’re feeling stuck. Thank you Jen!!

      07 . Jun . 2017
  9. harnessinghappy

    Yes so many times when I am having an emotional melt down and want to point the finger at my spouse, if I look at the root it usually is an identity issue within myself. I’m almost 30 and still feel like I need a daily download from Jesus of who He says I am.

    08 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Yes, I am so there with you!! It’s amazing how easy it is to get uncentered from who Christ says we are. I know I need Him to remind me everyday of who I am in him. That’s okay though–it keeps us close to Him!! Thank you for stopping by!!

      08 . Jun . 2017
  10. Lureta

    I can so identify with this post. Something I’m working on, improving a little at a time. I love the way you differentiate between marriage needs and heart needs. I am learning not to play Holy Spirit and though I may not be seeing the progress doesn’t mean it’s not there. Trusting God is so essential in this journey.

    08 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Lureta,
      It is difficult not to take the Holy Spirits job sometimes– I am with you!! He is so needed- He keeps us centered and close to Him ❤️

      08 . Jun . 2017
  11. Heather

    Thank you for sharing this! I needed to read this!

    08 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Absolutely, Heather!
      Thank you for stopping by!!

      08 . Jun . 2017
  12. Jennifer

    I have a tendency to make my husband guilty of wrongs that have done to me in the past by others. I put those characteristics on him and it’s absolutely not fair but when you’re so broken from the past it can be hard to remember that IT WASN’T HIM. My hack for this has taken some time (and will continue to in order to become second nature) but has helped tremendously. As SOON as negative thoughts enter my head about my husband whether it be fears or accusations – I speak truth to myself and remind myself that these are lies! God hand picked my husband for me and my husband seeks and loves Jesus – that doesn’t make him perfect but it allows me to trust God in our relationship.

    09 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Jenna,
      This is such a good one! It’s easy to blame past hurts on the closest person to us.
      I love what you said about being quick to speak truth to yourself before speaking those past hurts into existence. I think that goes perfectly in line with being “quick to listen” to the voice of God before you speaking and regretting it.
      Thank you for sharing this #WifeHack! I miss you so much!

      09 . Jun . 2017
  13. Katy Lynch

    All I can do is hold my head down in shame. I sure wish I had seen this before I vomited out hateful words to him because of the stress we’re under. As a Christian, I know better, but Satan knows how to get to me. 😞

    13 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Katy,
      Girl I wish I had a rewind button for all of the times I vomited hateful and empty words to my husband. Even as Christians, it’s still a struggle to pause before speaking the hurt that is brewing in our hearts. I don’t know what kind of stress you are under, but I am praying with you that God would bring comfort, and peace in all of the places that you need it. ❤️ The enemy loves to keep us in shackles of shame, but God takes conviction from our sin and turns it into reconciliation with the guy we love. Keep on fighting the good fight friend– this journey is full of lessons 😊

      13 . Jun . 2017
  14. RebeccaLynn

    Oh Kaitlin! How in the world did I miss this one!? “We place the blame on a mere man who has no power to actually satisfy those deep hurts and needs.” What truth! What conviction! I definitely seek affirmation from my husband, and it has destroyed so much: my trust in his love for me, my trust in God’s love for me, my ability to grow out of childish and destructive ways of thinking, and so much more. I need to realize the deep void within me – the voice that says “you’re not pretty enough, valued enough, smart enough … enough.” That void is painful to face. But it’s not my husband’s burden to bear. It’s my burden to lay down at the cross of Jesus Christ. I need to learn how to let Jesus fill that void and replace those lies with truth and a healthy self-image based on His love for me. Thank you, thank you for this wonderful #Wifehack!

    27 . Jun . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Rebecca,
      I’m so glad it encouraged you! This lesson always kicks me right in the teeth. Thank you so for sharing your insight on this Rebecca!!!

      28 . Jun . 2017
  15. How to Celebrate Differences in Your Marriage: #WifeHacks Series

    […] Week 1: Stop Blaming Your Husband for Unmet Needs Week 2: When Silence Is Sinful in Marriage Week 3: Who’s Your God: Idolatry in Marriage. […]

    29 . Jun . 2017
  16. Rachel Chamberlayne

    Yep, Amen sister. You’ve taken what I’ve felt all along – knowing deep within that the heavy expectations I place on my husband – are from a place within me that is aching to be filled with love and understanding from the Creator. It is so easy to focus in on our partner as the source of our feelings of shortcoming… currently learning to seek the Lord in these vulnerable times as a wife!

    Bless you and your blog!

    22 . Aug . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Rachel,
      I’m right there with you sister! It’s such a struggle, but like you said, it’s a learning process to seek the Lord for true fulfillment!! Thanks so much for your insight and for stopping by! ❤️

      22 . Aug . 2017
  17. Erynne

    Brilliant! I love every one of these Wifehacks! Along with many of you, I wish for the rewind button so grateful for forgiveness and progession/change. I am so grateful that WE (wives) can progress as well. It’s so easy to see things as we believe they should be instead of seeking God’s plan for us. My #Wifehack is simple– nurture a grateful heart and mind. If you are constantly looking for things to be grateful for you are able to keep the perspective that invites the Holy Spirit. If I look for the things my husband does at work, at home, with our children, with the church, then I am able to keep perspective and value him for how amazing he truly is!

    26 . Aug . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Erynne,
      I love love love your #wifehack!! It’s so true– Gratefulness totally changes our perspective it’s so crazy!!

      26 . Aug . 2017
  18. Kory

    Thank you so much for your words. I just recently watched The War Room which has this same message and I am finding that I have so much more peace when I let the Holy Spirit do his job. My #wifehack is now writing out my prayers and frustrations rather than spewing unkind words to my husband. This has helped me so much and definitely has ended heated arguments before they start. I highly recommend The War Room to every wife, and your post fits so nicely with this message.

    03 . Sep . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Kory,
      I LOVE War Room! Such a powerful movie! I love your #WifeHack. It’s amazing how bringing issues before the Lord first tempers our attitudes. Thanks so much for sharing!!

      03 . Sep . 2017
  19. Clarissa

    Love this message thank you for sharing!!

    03 . Sep . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Clarissa,
      I’m so glad you liked it!!

      04 . Sep . 2017
  20. Kristina

    Wow.. this spoke volumes to me. As I sit here trying to think how can I undo what has already been said or how do I go about telling my husband all the things he doesn’t do. So grateful to have stumbled across this before even more damage has been done
    A real eye opener in needing to take a look on the inside. Thank you so much for these words!!

    14 . Sep . 2017
  21. Meredith

    Thank you for this post! Found it via Pinterest and not only is the content so spot on, but the comments and wifehacks are fantastic. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    13 . Oct . 2017
    • Kaitlin

      Meredith,
      I am so glad to hear that you enjoyed the #Wifehacks!! I certainly learned so much from all of these wise women! 🙂

      15 . Oct . 2017

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